View Full Version : Blonde jokes
06-26-2007, 09:26 AM
OK. No offense to anyone's hair color, but some of them are, well, humorous. And yes, we do have some blond members here, but they also have a sense of humor, and I will not mention any names. Besides, some of my best family members are blondes.
So heeeeerrrrrreeeee we go.
Q: What do you call ten blondes lined up, side by side, in a row?
A: A wind tunnel.
Ahem. Some people can't help being blonde.
07-04-2007, 10:58 AM
A blonde goes into a shop and says to the salesman " I would like to buy that television in the window" he says sorry we do not serve blondes in here! this makes the blonde angry so she goes out and buys a black wig.
Upon re-entering the shop, she again asks the salesman who is facing away from her. "I would like to buy that tv in the window"
without turning around or looking at her he says "we do not serve blondes in here"
This makes the blonde even angrier so she says "you have not even looked at me how do you know I am a blonde??
He says "BECAUSE IT IS A MICROWAVE"
okey time to bring out the big guns :D lolol
The Brunette, Blonde And Red Head
Do The Breaststroke
There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina
Doing only the breaststroke
The only three women who entered the race were a Brunette
A Redhead and a Blonde
After approximately 14 hours, the Blonde staggered up on the shore
She was declared the fastest breaststroker
About 40 minutes later, the Redhead crawled declared the second place finisher
Nearly 4 hours after that, the Brunette finally came ashore
And promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race
"I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser
But I think those two other girls were using their arms"
The brunette had been married about a year
One day the she came running up to her husband, jumping for joy
He didn't know how to react
So he started jumping up and down along with her
"Why are we so happy?" he asked
She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
"Great" he said, "tell me what you're so happy about"
She stopped, breathless from all the jumping up and down
"I'm pregnant!" she gasped
The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for quite a while
He grabbed her, and kissed her
"Wow, that is wonderful," "I couldn't be happier"
Then she said, "Oh, honey there's more"
"What do you mean more?", he asked
"Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"
He was amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant
"How do you that," he asked
"It was easy," she said
"I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2 pack home pregnancy test kit"
"Both tests came out positive!"
Q. What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A. A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes
Q. What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
A. No one else wants it
Q. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
Q. What's a brunette's mating call?
A. "Has the blonde left yet?"
Q. What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
A. The invitation
Q. What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A. A hostage
Q. Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
A. It matches their mustache
Q. Why are most brunettes flatchested?
A. It makes it easier to read their T-shirt
Q. Why do brunettes like their dark hair color?
A. It doesn't show the dirt
Q. Why is brunette considered an evil color?
A. When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?
Q. Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes?
A. The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable
Q. Who makes bras for brunettes?
Q. Is it tru blonds have more fun?
A. No, they have ALL the fun
Q. How can you tell a brunette is lonely?
A. Check her for a pulse
Q. What is the most frustrated animal in the world?
A. A brunette rabbit
Q.Why do brunettes wear training bras?
A. Because it's cheaper than changing their bandaids everyday
Q. What's the difference between a brunette and the trash?
A. At least the trash gets taken out once a week
Q. Why does it take 5 brunettes to change a light bulb ?
A. To help out the blonde that's been tryin' for weeks
Q. What's a brunette that has dyed her hair ?
A. Artificial intelligence
Q. How do you recognize a brunette at the airport?
A. She's the one throwing bread at the airplanes
Q. Why does a brunette have a see-through lunchbox?
A. To know whether she's coming from or going to the office
Q. Why does a brunette have curtains on her PC?
A. To open windows
Q. Why does a brunette throw water on her keyboard?
A. To surf the internet
Q. Why was the first football stadium sketched out on a brunette's chest?
A. Because they needed a level playing field
Q. Why do brunettes put ice in their nose before they go to work?
A. So their lunch won't spoil
Q. How did Revlon come up with it's brunette hair color?
A. By studying what oil spills did to seaweed
Q. Why can't brunettes `tease' their hair?
A. Because it's not funny
Q. How can a brunette get lost in a crowd of three?
A. It's easy... if one-third of the crowd is blonde
janxxx .................BLONDE :p :p
De Master Yoda
07-08-2007, 02:29 AM
Now I just know we would be in trouble from our Jan if I did not post a MALE Blonde joke! so here it is!:p
And folks this is a true story I know cos I was that cowboy !!! :spudnikcowboy1:
Subject: blonde men exist
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?
The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff .. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her....so I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt....so I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants....so I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts....so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says,
"Now go to town cowboy....".
And here I am.
Son of a Gun, Blonde Men do exist.
07-08-2007, 03:55 AM
I think I met that guy at a bar in Gallup, New Mexico....:)
07-09-2007, 07:10 AM
2 blondes walk into a bar.
Well, you'd think that one of them would've seen it!
07-09-2007, 08:10 AM
She is so blond she bought a solar-powered flashlight.
07-09-2007, 10:49 AM
She was so blonde that on the bottom of the job application where it said "Sign Here" she wrote "Pices".
09-16-2007, 04:35 AM
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch some sleep.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question : "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay" says the lawyer, your turn.
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you !" and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks: "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
De Master Yoda
09-16-2007, 04:50 AM
The revenge of the blond's:D
09-17-2007, 02:26 AM
The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it."
The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it and sure enough sees herself. She hands the compact to the blonde cop.
After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver and says, "If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over we could have avoided this whole thing."
09-28-2007, 01:53 PM
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Le Pink panther
09-28-2007, 02:02 PM
A lot of drinks.
A very dark bar.
He leans over to the big woman
next to him and says,
"Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?"
The big woman replies,
"Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something.
Sure, I'm blonde, and six feet tall, 210 lbs. and I'm a professional triathlete and bodybuilder.
The blonde woman sitting next to me is 6' 2" and 220 lbs;
she's an ex-pro wrestler.
Next to her is a blonde
who's 6' 5",weighs 250 lbs.,
and she's a kick boxer professional.
Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"
The guy blinks, swallows, and thinks about it for a second
"No, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."!
De Master Yoda
01-22-2008, 09:00 AM
It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Today Tom asked for salad again so I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.
De Master Yoda
03-07-2008, 09:33 AM
The Blonde and The Heart Attack!
A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed,sweating and panting.
"What's up?" she asks.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing,her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy!
Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom,right past her husband, and rips open the closet door.Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotten bitch," she screams.
"My husband's having a heart attack, and
you're running around naked scaring the kids!!"
04-14-2008, 02:53 PM
Okay, more Julie Brown, "Cause I'm a Blond" a serious blond moment. Or bland.
04-14-2008, 04:50 PM
OK, my wife is a red-head so I'm allowed to tell blonde jokes.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.
IM A GOOD GURL
04-14-2008, 05:19 PM
Three women decide to go camping...a redhead, a brunette, and OF COURSE, a blonde! On the 4th night out, they run out of food, so the redhead grabs a rifle and leaves the camp after dusk. Next morning, the other two wake up and see the redhead skinning a deer! Brunette screams in delight..."where the helk did you find that?" redhead says simply, "found the tracks, followed them, shot the deer!"
That night, the brunette takes the rifle and leaves the camp after dark. Next morning, the redhead and blonde wake up to find the brunette skinning an elk. Redhead shrieks, "where the --- did you find THAT??" Brunette says "shone the flashlight, saw the tracks,followed them, shot the elk!!" Blonde just stood there in utter amazement!
That night, blonde sneaks out of the camp after dark!! Next morning the brunette and redhead wake to the sound of whimpering. They get out of the tent, only to find the blonde all bloody, scratched to hell, bruised and battered, clothes ripped to absolute shreds!! Redhead screams "What the HELL happened to YOU??" Blonde replies...
Found the tracks...
Followed the tracks...
GOT HIT BY THE DAMN TRAIN!!!!!
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who attempted to drive to Disney World?
A: She saw a sign saying: "Disney World Left" so she went home.
De Master Yoda
04-28-2008, 12:17 PM
A car gets a flat on the interstate one day.
The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing on coming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up.
It isn't very long before a police car arrives.
The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, 'What's going on here?'
'My car broke down, officer' says the woman calmly.
'Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?' he asks.
'Helllooooooo!! !!' says the blonde.
'Those are my emergency flashers!'
06-01-2008, 11:15 AM
She was so blond she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
De Master Yoda
08-16-2008, 08:39 AM
BLONDE VS ALLIGATOR
A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation and wanted to buy a pair of genuine alligator shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blond declared, 'Well then,maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator get a pair of shoes for free!' The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, 'Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?'
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he grinds his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration: .
'CRAP! THIS ONES BAREFOOT, TOO!'
10-05-2008, 10:25 AM
The blonde had been married about a year, when one day the she came
running up to her husband, jumping for joy. Not knowing how to react,
the husband started jumping up and down along with her.
"Why are we so happy?" he asked.
"Honey, I have some really great news for you!" she said.
"Great," he said, "tell me what you're so happy about."
She stopped jumping and was breathless from all the jumping up and down.
"I'm pregnant!" she gasped.
The husband was ecstatic, as they had been trying for a while. He
grabbed her, kissed her, and started telling her how wonderful it was,
and that he couldn't be happier.
Then she said "Oh, honey there's more."
"What do you mean more?" he asked.
"Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked
her how she knew.
"It was easy" she said, "I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2-pack
home-pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"
10-05-2008, 10:30 AM
A man was driving along a highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the
middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but
unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The
driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over
to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful that he
began to cry.
A blonde driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the
road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what
was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this
rabbit and killed it." The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew what
to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked
over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto
Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two
people and hopped off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stopped,
turned around, waved at the two people again, hopped down the road another
10 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 10 feet, turned and waved and
repeated this again and again until it was out of sight.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in
the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in
your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the
can around so that the man could read the label.
"Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave."
10-05-2008, 10:34 AM
Two Blondes waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first blonde asked the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You
get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But
eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift
off, as if you're sleeping.". How about you, how did you die?" asked the
"I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my
husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly.
I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the
basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor,
but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and
just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity, if you had only looked
in the freezer, we'd both still be alive.
10-05-2008, 09:28 PM
A girl comes skipping home from school and shouts,
"Mummy, Mummy, today we did counting and all the
other kids only got up to 5, but I got up to 10...1, 2, 3,
4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, that's good isn't it, Mummy?"
"Yes, dear, it is."
"Is that because I'm blonde, Mummy?"
"Yes, dear it is."
The next day the girl comes skipping home and screams,
"Mummy, Mummy, today we did the alphabet and all
the other kids only got to D, but I got up to G...A, B, C,
D, E, F, G....that's good isn't it, Mummy?"
"Yes, dear, it is."
Is that because I'm blonde, Mummy?"
"Yes, dear, it is."
The following day the girl comes skipping home and
says, "Mummy, Mummy, we did gym class and all the
other girls had flat chests but I have these!" and pulls up
her top revealing a pair of amazing 36C breasts.
"That's good isn't it, Mummy?"
"Yes, dear, it is," replied a slightly embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"
"No, dear, it's because you're 25!"
10-05-2008, 09:38 PM
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning,
the wife (undoubtedly blonde also), picked up the phone, listened a moment
and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.'
Two blondes are walking down the street: One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it; looks in the mirror
and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens
the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really
angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so she
is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The
boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly
says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "O.K.,
what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy:
What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously,
she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was
applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My Gosh!" the
trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by
an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped."
Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as
he surveyed the wrecked. car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" The blonde began. "I was driving
along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front
of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved
to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and
there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ..."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off ... "there isn't a tree on
this road for 30 miles.
That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
10-05-2008, 09:42 PM
A blonde was driving home, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her
car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop.
The shop owner decided to have some fun, and told her just to go home and
blow into the tail pipe really hard & all the dents would pop out. So, she
went home, got down on her hands & knees & started blowing into her
tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder & still nothing
happened. Her roommate saw her and asked, "What the heck are you doing?"
She told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow in the tailpipe
in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and
said, "Uh, Hello! You need to roll up the windows first!!"
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic, "It died." After he works on it for a few minutes, it's
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She says, "How often do I have to do that?"
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and
her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and
says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD!!! I left the baby on the bus
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and
sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts,
"how can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then
shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the
blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was
oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper rolled
down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!"
"NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
Russian, to which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you
know. We're gonna go at night!"
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her
very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff,
"I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you
take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her
turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature."
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your
name, can you
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
The blonde reported for her university final examination that
consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the
examination hall, stares at the question paper for five
minutes,and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes her purse out,
removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer
sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the
class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is
seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The
moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I
finished the exam in half an hour, but I'm rechecking my
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so
she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a
local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and
wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a
plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7
A.M. Signed, The Blonde". She pinned the note inside the little
boy's jacket and told him to go straight
home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the
$10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had
instructed. Inside the bag was the following
note... "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde
would do this to another blonde!"
10-05-2008, 09:51 PM
1. Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular
one? (You have to hollow out the head.)
2. Why won't they hire blondes as pharmacists? (They keep breaking the
prescription bottles in the typewriters.)
3. Hear about the blonde that got an AM RADIO? (It took her a month to
realize she could play it in the afternoon.)
4. What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? (They drowned during Spring
5. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? (To see what was on the
6. How did the blonde die drinking milk? (The cow stepped on her.)
7. How did the blonde burn her nose? (Bobbing for French fries.)
8. Why do blondes have more fun? (They're easier to amuse.)
9. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? (Frosted flakes.)
10. Why can't blondes put in light bulbs? (They keep breaking them with their
11. Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air? (She
12. What is it when a blonde blows into another blonde's ear? (Data
13. Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children? (Because she read
that one child out of every four born was Chinese.)
14. Why did the blonde put make-up on her forehead? (She wanted everyone to
know that she was able to make up her mind.)
15. Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs?
(She needed them for the darkroom she was building.)
16. Why are Asians so smart? (No blondes.)
17. What is the biggest advantage to marrying a blonde? (You get to park in
the Handicapped Zone )
10-05-2008, 10:00 PM
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight
from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to the blonde and asks if she
would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so
she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot
of fun. "Look", he explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't
know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely
declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the
answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you
$50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the
match. This offer gets the blonde's attention and, figuring that there
will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth
to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word; she reaches into her
purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer "What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her
with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all
his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches
the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to
all his coworkers and every friend he knows. All to no avail. After
several hours of work, he finally gives up. The lawyer wakes the blonde
and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to
go back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, says, "Hey wait just a
minute. What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
Without saying a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the
lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep
De Master Yoda
10-16-2008, 09:45 AM
A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.
"I'm sorry," St Peter said; "But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals."
"That's cool" said the blonde, "What does the Entrance Exam consist of?"
"Just three questions" said St Peter.
"Which are?' asked the blonde.
"The first," said St Peter, "is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' "?
The second is "How many seconds are there in a year?"
The third is "What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"
"Now," said St Peter, "Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me."
So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, "I have."
"Well then," said St Peter, "Which two days of the week start with the letter T?"
The blonde said, "Today and Tomorrow."
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
"Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?"
St Peter went on, "how many seconds in a year?"
The Blonde replied, "Twelve!"
"Only twelve?" exclaimed St Peter, "How did you arrive at that figure?"
"Easy," said the blonde, "there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds."
St Peter looked at the blonde and said, "I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision." And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. "I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"
The blonde replied: "Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer."
"Really!" exclaimed St Peter, "And what is the answer?"
"Yes, Andy," said the blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked "How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?"
"Easy" said the blonde, "Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled."
And the blonde entered Heaven...
De Master Yoda
10-24-2008, 07:49 AM
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.
Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.
Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year, namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! 'Helllooooo!!' (I told him). 'It's been a year!'
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung
up...he hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the
guarantee they made me.
De Master Yoda
01-01-2009, 06:13 AM
A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.
Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the tin,
"For best results, put on two coats".
01-12-2009, 07:12 AM
How do you drown a blond? (scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool)
How do you get a one armed blond out of a tree? (Wave)
How can you tell a blond was told a joke on Monday? (she begins randomly laughing on Wednesday)
A blond a brunette and a red head are traveling around the world when they find a pyramid that is 100 steps high...the rule to the pyramid is if you can make it to the very top you get 100 dollars....The only thing is someone pops out on every step and tells you a joke...if you laugh you can not go any further and may not try again.
Well the brunette gets to the second step and cracks up so she is banned from proceeding any further.
The red head gets to the 5th step and laughs so she too is banned from trying anymore.
The blond gets to the 99th step and begins laughing before the person can even tell the joke. When he ask her why she replies...I just got the first joke!
A smart blond a brunette and Santa clause jump off a building...who hits the ground first?
The brunette , the other two don't exist.
A blond comes into her place of work one morning and is crying hysterically, the boss out of concern for his employees comes over and ask her whats wrong...she tells him how she has just been told her mother is dead...the boss ask her to take the day off but she is determined to stay saying she will be okay...Well later on that day he happens to glance in her direction and she is even more upset crying and such...he goes over to her and says whats the matter? The blond looks up and through tears replies.....well I just got a phone call from my sister...It seems that her mom died this morning too.....
How do you torture a blond? (Put her in a round room and ask her to find the corner)....haha:D
01-12-2009, 07:48 AM
Why are most blond jokes one liners?
So men can remember them :D
De Master Yoda
04-09-2009, 02:55 PM
A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
04-09-2009, 05:02 PM
good one De, @Ivana, I'll have to remember that one. :D
Le Pink panther
04-10-2009, 04:19 AM
Only three doors
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
De Master Yoda
10-24-2009, 02:27 PM
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password for her computer:
When the auditor asked why she had such a big password, she said, "Hellllooooooooo! The tech support guy said that it had to be at least eight characters long."
De Master Yoda
10-31-2009, 12:01 PM
# Q: What do blonde owls say?
A: "What? What?"
# Q: What goes SCREECH-VROOM! SCREECH-VROOM?
A: A blonde going through a blinking red light.
Dick H Box
10-31-2009, 05:16 PM
What do you call a load of Essex girls swimming in the Thames?
The Isle of Dogs!
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.0 Copyright © 2013 vBulletin Solutions, Inc. All rights reserved.