Dumb Jokes

Discussion in 'Anything goes' started by Gentle Giant, Sep 22, 2007.

  1. Gentle Giant

    Gentle Giant Giant Admin for a Day Staff Member

    I guess we had to do it sooner or later. (I thought this one up so consider it copyrighted)

    A snake goes in to see his psychiatrist. He crawls up onto the couch and the doctor starts asking him questions about what brings the snake to his office.

    "Well," says the snake, "it's this new computer of mine. A friend of mine, a gila monster, got me this new computer for my birthday. I thought it would be really nice, you know, to do email, keep in touch with my snake buddies, catch up on the news, you know..."

    The psychiatrist says "And do you think that's wrong? Do you have a problem with that?"

    The snake says, "Well, doc, the problem is, I just can't work the keyboard. No matter what I do, I can't turn it on, I can't type, I can't open any programs."

    The psychiatrist thinks for a minute then says, "Well, I think that you are suffering from a new syndrome which has only been recently diagnosed. It can be treated but it is difficult."

    The snake says, "Great doc. What's wrong with me?"

    "It's simple" says the psychiatrist. "You suffer from what we call e-Reptile dysfunction".
     
  2. Ben

    Ben Samurai

    That's funny but he's not saying :D
     
  3. Quark

    Quark Moderator Staff Member

    A horse goes into a bar.

    The bartender says, "hey, why the long face?"
     
  4. De Master Yoda

    De Master Yoda Administrator Staff Member

    A horse tale

    Thanks S Y !:D
    Here is another one!
    I had a near death experience that has changed me forever.
    The other day I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off
    Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the store manager came and unplugged it. Thank Goodness for heroes!:D
     
  5. leroy7

    leroy7 New Member

    The "plane" truth:

    Here's a good one. 3 guys are on plane losing alttitude when the pilot gives the news to bail out before the plane crashes. The only problem: there are just 3 chutes. 2 grab chutes and go leaving the pilot and a boy scout. The pilot tells the scout to take the remaining chute as he has his whole life before him. The scout says no, somebody grabbed my back-pack so we both get a chute. Lol.,leroy7
     
  6. Nanook

    Nanook Administrator Staff Member

    I heard this one in a variation^^

    The Pope, Bill Gates, and a hippie are on an airplane going down. There's only 2 parachutes. Bill Gates says, "Well, I'm the smartest and richest man in world so I should definitely have one of these parachutes because I'm really important". He grabs one and jumps. The Pope says to the hippie, "You take this my son. I've lived a long and good life, and if God is ready for me, I'm ready for Him". The hippie says, "Woh. Chill dude. The smartest guy in the world just jumped out of the plane with my backpack".
     
  7. Paikea

    Paikea Ninja

    Anything for a tenner

    OK then guys here goes! Don’t know if this is clean enough?
    Oh and no insults intended.

    Irish guy, English guy, French guy and a Jewish guy go into a pub. They get chatting with one of the locals. As guys being guys they want some fun. So they start checking out the talent and spot this gal in the corner, they ask the local about her!
    Well he says, “She’ll do anything for a tennerâ€￾!
    So the Irish guy says: “You know we Irish are great lovers and know how to tickle their fanciesâ€￾. He approaches her and says: “I hear you’ll do anything for a tennerâ€￾! She says “that’s rightâ€￾.
    He says, “ok you’d better get on your knees and give us a serviceâ€￾.
    She says, “no problemâ€￾, and they leave the together to do the deed.
    On his return the Irish guy says, “You’ll be wanting to try her services, just amazingâ€￾!

    The English guy and the French guy argue their piece about being the greatest lovers and how the ladies prefer their lovemaking abilities to guys from other continents, so one by one have their time with her. Finally it’s the Jewish guys turn. As he approaches her he says, “ach, I hear you’ll do anything for ten poundsâ€￾. She says, “that’s rightâ€￾ sweetly smiling at him. He promptly replies, “Well, paint my houseâ€￾!
    :D
     
  8. Miyuki

    Miyuki Administratrix Staff Member

    You know pink is a nice color Ben... ;) Or maybe some light blue.
     
  9. Ben

    Ben Samurai

    Pink for a boy ? a woman painter would never talk me into that one .


    Here is a joke I quite liked .

    A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

     
  10. Ayup

    Ayup New Member

    I don't think any of my jokes are clean enough for here:eek:
     
  11. Spanish Administrator

    Spanish Administrator THE Spanish Administrator Staff Member

    In keeping with the spirit of the season, let us consider the young man, a young man with a serious problem, dyslexia (I know, it know, it is serious. This is an attempt at humour, remember).

    This young man used to stay awake long into the night, trying to decide an answer to that great question, "is there a Dog?" Having decided the question in the affirmative, he also decided to take the opposite position and worship the powers of darkness.

    However, due to his problem, he wasn't careful when he signed the contract, and he accidently sold his soul to Santa.

    [​IMG]

    Ho Ho Ho and Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a good night.

    On Dasher and Dancer....
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 28, 2008
  12. Ben

    Ben Samurai

    I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day it's true !!. We lost
    track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy
    together.

    I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up
    and rekindling a little of that "magic.":)

    "Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

    She just giggled and said she was sure I'd "rise" to the challenge.

    "Yes" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline
    that's a few inches wider these days!"

    She laughed and told me to stop being so silly..... She teased me, saying that
    tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great
    lover.

    "Anyway," she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

    So I told her to (censored) off !!!
     
  13. Jessica

    Jessica Administrator Staff Member

    Hot southern date

    If you live in the South, if you have ever lived in the South, if you live NEAR the South or have ever visited it, this might be funny. A redneck joke. (Note: this is the Southern United States).

    A young Southern man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmacist: "I got a hot date tonight, an' I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a' them rubbers gonna cost me?"

    The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."

    "TACKS!" the shocked redneck says. "Gawd a' mighty, don't they stay on by themselves?"
     
  14. Quark

    Quark Moderator Staff Member

    2 kids were talking out in the yard. One kid says, "I found a condom on grandpa's veranda".

    The second kid days, "What's a veranda?"
     
  15. Gentle Giant

    Gentle Giant Giant Admin for a Day Staff Member

    A dog goes into a bar and says "hey look at me I'm a talking dog. How about a drink for me?"

    The bartender says, "Sure, the restroom's right down the hall".

    Postmodernism:
    Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

    A: What do we mean by chicken? What is our concept of road? What is the context of this debate? What are the subtexts? Who is defining the terms?
     
  16. Gentle Giant

    Gentle Giant Giant Admin for a Day Staff Member

    Russian joke

    Soviet humor is not dead, it's just been updated.

    Putin and Medvedyev (the newly-elected president) go into a restaurant.

    The waiter comes over and recognizes Putin so he takes his order first. "What will you have, sir?"

    Putin says "I'll have the steak".

    The waiter asks, "And the vegetable?"

    Putin says, "He'll have steak too".
     
  17. Guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head. The bartender asks "Where did you get that thing?"

    The frog says "I don't know, it started out as a wart on my butt."
     
  18. Spanish Administrator

    Spanish Administrator THE Spanish Administrator Staff Member

    In the confessional

    'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'

    The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

    'Yes, Father, it is.'

    'And who was the girl you were with?'

    'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'

    'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

    'I cannot say.'

    'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

    'I'll never tell.'

    'Was it Nina Capelli?'

    'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

    'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

    'My lips are sealed.'

    'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'

    'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

    The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

    Joey walks back to his pew. His friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

    '4 months vacation and five good leads.'
     
  19. Jessica

    Jessica Administrator Staff Member

    A scam email I just posted reminded me of this one.

    Several people go to a cocktail party. A young attractive woman is standing off in a corner. A guys sees her and moves in for a little conversation. He starts off, "so, what's your name?"

    She says, "Carmen".

    "Oh" he says, "that's a rather unusual name."

    Well, she says, "I picked the name because it tells the 2 things I like the most".

    He kind of laughs, "Oh, so you like cars and men."

    "Yes" she says then asks, "So what's your name?"

    He thinks for a moment: "Golftits".
     
  20. callan

    callan Samurai

    LOL

    Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

    Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

    Woman: Oh, I see.

    Officer: Can I see your license please?

    Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

    Officer: Don't have one?

    Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

    Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

    Woman: I can't do that.

    Officer: Why not?

    Woman: I stole this car.

    Officer: Stole it?

    Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

    Officer: You what?

    Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
    to see.

    The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
    calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
    officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

    Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

    The woman steps out of her vehicle.

    Woman: Is there a problem sir?

    Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
    car and murdered the owner.

    Woman: Murdered the owner?

    Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
    please.

    The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

    Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

    Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

    The first officer is stunned.

    Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
    license.

    The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
    hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
    examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

    Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't
    have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
    up the owner.

    Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.
     

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