Blonde jokes

Will Konsider

Emeritus
Blondes At the Pearly Gates

Two Blondes waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first blonde asked the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping.". How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde.

"I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity, if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive.
 

Will Konsider

Emeritus
Blonde At School

A girl comes skipping home from school and shouts, "Mummy, Mummy, today we did counting and all the other kids only got up to 5, but I got up to 10...1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, that's good isn't it, Mummy?"

"Yes, dear, it is."

"Is that because I'm blonde, Mummy?"

"Yes, dear it is."

The next day the girl comes skipping home and screams, "Mummy, Mummy, today we did the alphabet and all the other kids only got to D, but I got up to G...A, B, C, D, E, F, G....that's good isn't it, Mummy?"

"Yes, dear, it is."

Is that because I'm blonde, Mummy?"

"Yes, dear, it is."

The following day the girl comes skipping home and says, "Mummy, Mummy, we did gym class and all the other girls had flat chests but I have these!" and pulls up her top revealing a pair of amazing 36C breasts.

"That's good isn't it, Mummy?"

"Yes, dear, it is," replied a slightly embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"

"No, dear, it's because you're 25!"
 

Will Konsider

Emeritus
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning, the wife (undoubtedly blonde also), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.'

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Two blondes are walking down the street: One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it; looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

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A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

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A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

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What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"

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A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My Gosh!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"

"Yes officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped."

Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked. car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" The blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ..."

"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off ... "there isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
 

Will Konsider

Emeritus
Blonde Jokes 2

HAILSTORM
A blonde was driving home, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner decided to have some fun, and told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard & all the dents would pop out. So, she went home, got down on her hands & knees & started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder & still nothing happened. Her roommate saw her and asked, "What the heck are you doing?" She told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow in the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, Hello! You need to roll up the windows first!!"


BMW
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic, "It died." After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She says, "How often do I have to do that?"


EXPOSURE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD!!! I left the baby on the bus again!"


RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."


KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper rolled down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!" "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"


BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
Russian, to which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're gonna go at night!"


SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"


THE VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"


FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes,and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails.

Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but I'm rechecking my answers."


THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde". She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note... "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another blonde!"
 

Will Konsider

Emeritus
Short Blonde Jokes

1. Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one? (You have to hollow out the head.)

2. Why won't they hire blondes as pharmacists? (They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.)

3. Hear about the blonde that got an AM RADIO? (It took her a month to realize she could play it in the afternoon.)

4. What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? (They drowned during Spring Training.)

5. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? (To see what was on the other side.)

6. How did the blonde die drinking milk? (The cow stepped on her.)

7. How did the blonde burn her nose? (Bobbing for French fries.)

8. Why do blondes have more fun? (They're easier to amuse.)

9. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? (Frosted flakes.)

10. Why can't blondes put in light bulbs? (They keep breaking them with their hammers.)

11. Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air? (She missed.)

12. What is it when a blonde blows into another blonde's ear? (Data transfer.)

13. Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children? (Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.)

14. Why did the blonde put make-up on her forehead? (She wanted everyone to know that she was able to make up her mind.)

15. Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs? (She needed them for the darkroom she was building.)

16. Why are Asians so smart? (No blondes.)

17. What is the biggest advantage to marrying a blonde? (You get to park in the Handicapped Zone )
 

Will Konsider

Emeritus
Smart Blonde

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to the blonde and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.


The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. "Look", he explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.


The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This offer gets the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.


The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word; she reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.


Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and every friend he knows. All to no avail. After several hours of work, he finally gives up. The lawyer wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to go back to sleep.


The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, says, "Hey wait just a minute. What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" Without saying a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep
 

De Master Yoda

Emeritus
Blonde logic.

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

"I'm sorry," St Peter said; "But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals."

"That's cool" said the blonde, "What does the Entrance Exam consist of?"

"Just three questions" said St Peter.

"Which are?' asked the blonde.

"The first," said St Peter, "is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' "?

The second is "How many seconds are there in a year?"

The third is "What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"

"Now," said St Peter, "Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me."

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, "I have."

"Well then," said St Peter, "Which two days of the week start with the letter T?"

The blonde said, "Today and Tomorrow."

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

"Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?"
St Peter went on, "how many seconds in a year?"

The Blonde replied, "Twelve!"

"Only twelve?" exclaimed St Peter, "How did you arrive at that figure?"

"Easy," said the blonde, "there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds."

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, "I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision." And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. "I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"

The blonde replied: "Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer."

"Really!" exclaimed St Peter, "And what is the answer?"

"It's Andy."

"Andy??"

"Yes, Andy," said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked "How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?"

"Easy" said the blonde, "Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled."

And the blonde entered Heaven...
 

De Master Yoda

Emeritus
Sometimes it pays to be blonde

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.

Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year, namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! 'Helllooooo!!' (I told him). 'It's been a year!'

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung
up...he hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the
guarantee they made me.
 

De Master Yoda

Emeritus
Blonde logic?

A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.

Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.

She showed him the instructions on the tin,

"For best results, put on two coats".
 
"The Classic Blond Jokes"

How do you drown a blond? (scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool)
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How do you get a one armed blond out of a tree? (Wave)
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How can you tell a blond was told a joke on Monday? (she begins randomly laughing on Wednesday)
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A blond a brunette and a red head are traveling around the world when they find a pyramid that is 100 steps high...the rule to the pyramid is if you can make it to the very top you get 100 dollars....The only thing is someone pops out on every step and tells you a joke...if you laugh you can not go any further and may not try again.

Well the brunette gets to the second step and cracks up so she is banned from proceeding any further.

The red head gets to the 5th step and laughs so she too is banned from trying anymore.

The blond gets to the 99th step and begins laughing before the person can even tell the joke. When he ask her why she replies...I just got the first joke!
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A smart blond a brunette and Santa clause jump off a building...who hits the ground first?
The brunette , the other two don't exist.
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A blond comes into her place of work one morning and is crying hysterically, the boss out of concern for his employees comes over and ask her whats wrong...she tells him how she has just been told her mother is dead...the boss ask her to take the day off but she is determined to stay saying she will be okay...Well later on that day he happens to glance in her direction and she is even more upset crying and such...he goes over to her and says whats the matter? The blond looks up and through tears replies.....well I just got a phone call from my sister...It seems that her mom died this morning too.....

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How do you torture a blond? (Put her in a round room and ask her to find the corner)....haha:D
 

De Master Yoda

Emeritus
A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
 
Only three doors

Only three doors
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
 

De Master Yoda

Emeritus
Blonde Pc Joke.

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password for her computer:

Mickey,Minnie,Pluto,Huey,Louie,Dewey,Donald,Goofy

When the auditor asked why she had such a big password, she said, "Hellllooooooooo! The tech support guy said that it had to be at least eight characters long."
 

De Master Yoda

Emeritus
A couple of short ones.

# Q: What do blonde owls say?
A: "What? What?"


# Q: What goes SCREECH-VROOM! SCREECH-VROOM?
A: A blonde going through a blinking red light.
 

De Master Yoda

Emeritus
Quarterback.

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!" - Author (EpicallyFun)
 
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