Dumb Jokes

[Gentle Giant]

I guess we had to do it sooner or later. (I thought this one up so consider it copyrighted)

A snake goes in to see his psychiatrist. He crawls up onto the couch and the doctor starts asking him questions about what brings the snake to his office.

"Well," says the snake, "it's this new computer of mine. A friend of mine, a gila monster, got me this new computer for my birthday. I thought it would be really nice, you know, to do email, keep in touch with my snake buddies, catch up on the news, you know..."

The psychiatrist says "And do you think that's wrong? Do you have a problem with that?"

The snake says, "Well, doc, the problem is, I just can't work the keyboard. No matter what I do, I can't turn it on, I can't type, I can't open any programs."

The psychiatrist thinks for a minute then says, "Well, I think that you are suffering from a new syndrome which has only been recently diagnosed. It can be treated but it is difficult."

The snake says, "Great doc. What's wrong with me?"

"It's simple" says the psychiatrist. "You suffer from what we call e-Reptile dysfunction".

 

[Ben]

That's funny but he's not saying

 

[Quark]

A horse goes into a bar.

The bartender says, "hey, why the long face?"

 

[De Master Yoda]

A horse tale

Thanks S Y !
Here is another one!
I had a near death experience that has changed me forever.
The other day I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off
Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the store manager came and unplugged it. Thank Goodness for heroes!

 

[leroy7]

The "plane" truth:

Here's a good one. 3 guys are on plane losing alttitude when the pilot gives the news to bail out before the plane crashes. The only problem: there are just 3 chutes. 2 grab chutes and go leaving the pilot and a boy scout. The pilot tells the scout to take the remaining chute as he has his whole life before him. The scout says no, somebody grabbed my back-pack so we both get a chute. Lol.,leroy7

 

[Nanook]

I heard this one in a variation^^

The Pope, Bill Gates, and a hippie are on an airplane going down. There's only 2 parachutes. Bill Gates says, "Well, I'm the smartest and richest man in world so I should definitely have one of these parachutes because I'm really important". He grabs one and jumps. The Pope says to the hippie, "You take this my son. I've lived a long and good life, and if God is ready for me, I'm ready for Him". The hippie says, "Woh. Chill dude. The smartest guy in the world just jumped out of the plane with my backpack".

 

[Paikea]

Anything for a tenner

 

[Miyuki]

You know pink is a nice color Ben... Or maybe some light blue.

 

[Ben]

Pink for a boy ? a woman painter would never talk me into that one .


Here is a joke I quite liked .

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.

Your daughter, Judith

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my school report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

 

[Spanish Administrator]

In keeping with the spirit of the season, let us consider the young man, a young man with a serious problem, dyslexia (I know, it know, it is serious. This is an attempt at humour, remember).

This young man used to stay awake long into the night, trying to decide an answer to that great question, "is there a Dog?" Having decided the question in the affirmative, he also decided to take the opposite position and worship the powers of darkness.

However, due to his problem, he wasn't careful when he signed the contract, and he accidently sold his soul to Santa.

Ho Ho Ho and Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a good night.

On Dasher and Dancer....

 

[Ben]

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day it's true !!. We lost
track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy
together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up
and rekindling a little of that "magic."

"Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She just giggled and said she was sure I'd "rise" to the challenge.

"Yes" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline
that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly..... She teased me, saying that
tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great
lover.

"Anyway," she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to (censored) off !!!

 

[Jessica]

Hot southern date

If you live in the South, if you have ever lived in the South, if you live NEAR the South or have ever visited it, this might be funny. A redneck joke. (Note: this is the Southern United States).

A young Southern man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmacist: "I got a hot date tonight, an' I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a' them rubbers gonna cost me?"

The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."

"TACKS!" the shocked redneck says. "Gawd a' mighty, don't they stay on by themselves?"

 

[Quark]

2 kids were talking out in the yard. One kid says, "I found a condom on grandpa's veranda".

The second kid days, "What's a veranda?"


A dog goes into a bar and says "hey look at me I'm a talking dog. How about a drink for me?"

The bartender says, "Sure, the restroom's right down the hall".


Postmodernism:
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: What do we mean by chicken? What is our concept of road? What is the context of this debate? What are the subtexts? Who is defining the terms?

Modern Russian joke

Soviet humor is not dead, it's just been updated.

Putin and Medvedyev (the newly-elected president) go into a restaurant.

The waiter comes over and recognizes Putin so he takes his order first. "What will you have, sir?"

Putin says "I'll have the steak".

The waiter asks, "And the vegetable?"

Putin says, "He'll have steak too".

 

[Little Miss Sunshine]

Guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head. The bartender asks "Where did you get that thing?"

The frog says "I don't know, it started out as a wart on my butt."

 

[Spanish Administrator]

In the confessional

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'

'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew. His friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'4 months vacation and five good leads.'

 

[Jessica]

A scam email I just posted reminded me of this one.

Several people go to a cocktail party. A young attractive woman is standing off in a corner. A guys sees her and moves in for a little conversation. He starts off, "so, what's your name?"

She says, "Carmen".

"Oh" he says, "that's a rather unusual name."

Well, she says, "I picked the name because it tells the 2 things I like the most".

He kind of laughs, "Oh, so you like cars and men."

"Yes" she says then asks, "So what's your name?"

He thinks for a moment: "Golftits".

 

[callan]

"Golftits".

LOL

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

 

[Will Konsider]

How To Give Cats And Dogs Pills

HOW TO GIVE CATS AND DOGS PILLS

CATS:
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your
left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger
and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply
pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As
cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close
mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind
sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill
away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left
arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws
open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top
of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between
knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted
by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while
forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and
rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from from curtain rail, get another
pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair
curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases
from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on
cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in
end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and
blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to
humans, drink 1beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid
to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with
cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another
pill. Open another beer.
Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to
leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down
throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard
door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for
date of last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to
disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee-shirt away
and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat
from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who
crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.

13) Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws
with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table,
find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth
followed by large piece of fillet steak.
Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water
down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive
you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches
fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.
Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell
and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


DOGS:
1) Wrap it in bacon.

 

[Will Konsider]

Wife 1.0 Tech Support

Having trouble with Wife 1.0?

Dear Jim,

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings ---- Alimony/Child Support".

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPF's). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:/APOLOGIZE.

In any case avoid excessive use of the Esc key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPF's. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance.

Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0.

Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck.

Tech Support

 

[bobiego]

Installing Secretary with short skirt 3 has been successfully accomplished by using a dual boot system. Usually wife 1.0 occupies the windows environment and Secretary the more fun and stable Mac system. However this combination can occasionally clash with disastrous consequences, usually requiring a full purge and total reformat and starting over with a blank HD and I/O problems