Dumb Jokes

Will Konsider

Emeritus
Apple and Microsoft Engineers

Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft employees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?' asks a Microsoft employee.

"Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer.

They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their respective seats, but all three Apple engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges
with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the Apple engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket says one perplexed Microsoft employee.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer. When they board the train the three Microsoft employees cram into a restroom and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft employees are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please...
 

Garreg Ddu

Gweinyddwr
Staff member
HOW TO GIVE CATS AND DOGS PILLS

CATS:


15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell
and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

DOGS:
1) Wrap it in bacon.

I have a strange premonition of a response to this one from an Adminstrator with a feline connection!

And ..... the well trained obedient and faithful furry companion will allow the Pack Leader to place the pill on the back of her tongue and gently rub her throat until the swallow is complete....
 
And that's how the fight started.....

Subject: ..how the fight started.


1: When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
someplace expensive.....so, I took her to a gas station..... and that's how the fight started....

2: I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for
$14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's how the fight started.

3: After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'. And that's how the fight started.....

4: My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and
I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's
my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split
up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!'
says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?'

And that's how the fight started.....

5: I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you
just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I
couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, Well, then which one are you?'

And that's how the fight started.....

6: I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said,
'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for
herself.'

And that's how the fight started.....
 
Bubba goes to town!

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
cab driver
won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:
'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to
offend you.'

She answers,
'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old
as I am and have been
a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about
everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
say or ask that I
would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss
me.'

She responds,
'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you
have to be single
and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm
single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next
alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a
hooker
blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts
crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you
crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must
confess, I'm married and
I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK.
My name is(Kevin) Bubba and I'm going to a Halloween
party.'
 

De Master Yoda

Emeritus
A rough day at the office!

The gladiator was having a rough day in the arena—his opponent had sliced off both of his arms.
Nevertheless, he kept on fighting, kicking and biting as furiously as he could.
But when his opponent lopped off both feet, our gladiator had no choice but to give up,
for now he was both unarmed and defeated.
 

phfobric

Member
You de-side!

Did you here the one about the scammer who got the whole left side of his body macheted off??


He's all right, now!
 

De Master Yoda

Emeritus
A little humour to add to your day.

Moral of the Story

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Have your parents tell you a story with a moral at the end. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.


'Johnny, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Mary. She was a pilot In Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy Territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a Survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't Break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy Troops.

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, Killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she Killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.'

'Good Heavens' said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'

'Stay the frig away from Aunt Mary when she's drinking.'
 

Gentle Giant

Giant Admin for a Day
Staff member
And speaking of wife jokes, here's one from the old Soviet days:

The KGB had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the KGB agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."

The first man said."You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife,"

The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.

Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn, only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair."
 

De Master Yoda

Emeritus
Jumping scammers.

Two scammers decide to jump from a tall building, one is short and one is tall. the short one jumps first but the tall one lands first. Who wins?






Answer: society.
 
"3men in heaven"

I have one...not sure if its to...."dirty" or not ...but I find it amusing...

There are 3 men standing at the front gates of heaven...They are talking amongst themselves when St. Peter approaches them.

The men ask Who gets to get into heaven first?
St. Peter replys...well it depends on how you died and who God loves the most....


Well the first guy stands....and St. Peter ask's alright son how did you die?

He says "Well, I was sure my wife was cheating on me....so I got off early from work and came in and saw her with just a robe on and a towel around her head...but I knew she hadn't been taking a shower because her hair was not in fact wet...so I began searching for the guy...I had just about given up when I saw him his fingers hanging on the ledge of her bedroom window...I grabbed my hammer and went to hitting his fingers....but since God loved him so much he landed in the bushes barely scaved, so I through my Refrigerator out of the window and seeing he was dead I just got so excited I must have had a heart attack!"
St. Peter nods and goes to the second man "How did you die son?"
The man stands and replys"Well, I was fixing this womans roof, and I slipped off it ....but since God loved me so much I caught the window ledge...I was hanging on for dear life when somthing started hitting my fingers...It hurt so bad, but since God loved me so much I landed in the bushes...and was barely harmed when a large metal object flew out the window...I guess thats how I died"
St. Peter again nods and walks over to the third guy..."How did you die son?"

The third guy just grins and replys "Well, I was butt naked in a Refrigerator"
 

Jessica

Administrator
Staff member
Home security in hard times

Too cute not to share.

Because of the current world financial crisis, I found that local crime was on the rise and that I needed to install a home security system. However, the same situation made it impossible; so I sought inspiration for a solution to the problem. I found that inspiration in a visit to my buddy Scooter, a true Southern gentleman who never even has to bother to lock his doors. I tried it, and it works, and by buying the components at the local Salvation Army Store it cost me less than $5. So I thought that I would share it with you.

YOU TO CAN INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM LIKE MINE

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Bubba,
Big'un, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer.
Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they Attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad.
I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

Scooter
 

De Master Yoda

Emeritus
Dumb Jokes That Are Funny

Ashley (my 10-year-old) told me a joke this week that actually made me laugh audibly. I don't know what's funny about this joke... but it got me:

Two muffins were sitting in an oven. One muffin said to the other, "Is it just me, or is it getting hot in here?"

And the other muffin said, "Aaaaugh! A talking muffin!!!"

Is Windows a Virus?

Is Windows a Virus.
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.
 

Odo

Ninja
A woman is out golfing with her friends. She has only golfed a couple of times before, so she is a bit nervous.

She steps up to the ball on the first tee and take a mighty swing and to her horror the ball goes off the toe of the club and straight towards four men standing at the next tee.

One of the men screams in pain and drops to the ground with both hands clutched between his legs and is rolling back and forth.

The woman runs over to the scene and starts apologising to the man profusly and adds that she is a professional massage therapist so perhaps she can do something to relieve the pain.

The man says no thanks, he will be fine. The woman insists that she help in some way.

With the man on the ground she gently takes his hands and places them at his side. She then loosens his belt and reaches in to his pants and very gently starts to massage.

After a couple of minutes she asks, "How does that feel?"

The man replies, "Great, but I think my thumb is still broken!"
 

De Master Yoda

Emeritus
With apologies to the sporting members.

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.

He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.

She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.
 

Dick H Box

Samurai
silly ones

What do you call a blind dinosaur? Dyuthinkhesaurus.

What's long & green, & points North? A magnetic cumber.

What's green, hairy, & goes up & down? A gooseberry in a lift.

How do you know if you've had elephants in your fridge? Footprints in the butter. How do you know if they're still in there? You can't shut the door.

(there's more. many more. many, many more)
 

wierdly

New Member
Jack was down at the pub drinking hard. He decided it was time to call it a night and retutn home. He got off the bar stool and promptly fell on the floor. "I did not think I was that drunk"
He crawled across the floor to the dor and tried to sipport himself on the door frame, and again crashed to the floor." I did not think I had drank so much"
He crawls home and tries to stand at his own door. Same result." I must have drank more than I realized"
He crawls to his bed room and into bed and promptly passes out. The next morning his confronts him."you really must do something about your drinking problem."
He replies"but honey I only had two beers."
His wife replies"Don't give me that. The bartender phoned. You forgot your wheelchair at the pub."
 
we probably had this one before:

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says," I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says," They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
 

De Master Yoda

Emeritus
Lions eat Anything!

A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.

To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade.



Realising his employer won't be best pleased;

He disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.


Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house,

He is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.

What can he do?

Feed them to the lions, he says to himself,

Because lions eat anything.

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.



He moved on to the last job,

Which is to collect honey from the South African bees.

As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees.

He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.

By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage

- because lions eat anything.


Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.

He wanders up to the other lion and says

'What's the food like here?'



The lions say:



'Absolutely brilliant.

Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees.'
 

De Master Yoda

Emeritus
Billy Connolly on Retirement.

Billy Connolly on Retirement
What do retired people do all day?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a f***** break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a s---head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.......
 
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