Dumb Jokes

bawelna

New Member
Funny Parrot Joke :D

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.
 

Templar

Super Moderator
Lie Detector

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30, that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late..

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments.." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him
out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
 
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog’s license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn’t care what she looked like. I said, "You don’t understand... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn’t want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don’t understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don’t understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o’clock in the morning. I said, "I’m looking for Sex." - My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I’ve been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn’t live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn’t a man’s best friend so get yourself a dog."
 

toper01

Moderator
Staff member
Queensland

After the last week up there,i thought you'd appreciate this one ,De Master Yoda :D Bill Gates' little boy was coming up to his seventh birthday. Bill took him to one side and said "Son, I'm the richest man in the world and I can buy you anything you want. Have a think about it, and tomorrow you can tell me what you want for your birthday"

Touchingly, all the little boy wanted was a cowboy outfit.

So Bill bought him the Queensland Government.
 

Kat

Administrator
Staff member
Speaking of dogs, this has to be the world's dumbest joke but it's still one of the funniest.

 

toper01

Moderator
Staff member
ALL PUNS INTENDED....


1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown.. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you ?'

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'Is it common ?'
'Well, It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.
'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
 

basenji

Administrator
Staff member
Poker

Six retired Jewish Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up. At the end of the game, Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his vife?"

They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to Meyer's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.
 

toper01

Moderator
Staff member
First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body".

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid." :D

Greek Economics

Greek Economics

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village.

The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.

The tavern owner slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.

The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.

The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.



No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.



And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works. :D
 

Quark

Moderator
Staff member
A doctor tells his patient, "I'm afraid I have bad news and terrible news for you".

The patient says, "Okay, give me the bad news first".

The doctor says, "After checking your test results, we find that you only have 24 hours to live."

"That's the bad news!?!? What's the terrible news?" says the patient.

"I've been trying to call you since yesterday".
 

Kat

Administrator
Staff member
Woman: Does this dress make me look fat?

Man: No. Your body makes that dress look fat.

(@Men, do not ever actually use this if you plan on a long life.)
 

De Master Yoda

Emeritus
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didnt want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor,"I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I dont see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

From Billy Connolly. about old age.

"What do retired people do all day?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a f***** break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired....... It's important at my age."
 

Garreg Ddu

Gweinyddwr
Staff member
From Billy Connolly. about old age.

"What do retired people do all day?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a f***** break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired....... It's important at my age."

:roflmao: Classic! Wonderful stuff! :peace:

I must try that next time I go into town. :roflmao:
 

De Master Yoda

Emeritus
One for our ladies?

OLD BUT STILL GOOD..


A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it..

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Send this to all the smart women you know...and all the men that have a sense of humor.
 

De Master Yoda

Emeritus
Marry a Yorkshire lass.

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A YORKSHIRE LASS

The first man married a woman from Essex . He told her that she was to
do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a
clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from sussex . He gave his wife orders
that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it
was better.
By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and
there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a lass from Yorkshire .
He ordered her to keep the House cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't
see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he
could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that
he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he pees.
 

De Master Yoda

Emeritus
SIGH!

New Wine Before Bed


A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted nights sleep.

NEW Wine for Seniors
I kid you not.....

California vintners in the
Napa Valley area,
which primarily produce
Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot
Grigio wines,
have developed a new hybrid grape
that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips
older people have to make to the
bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be
marketed as


PINO MORE

I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE!!
I just could not help it!
Forward this to all your "senior" friends
I just did. !
 

Ben

Member
Spoons. 


Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.


When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired a Consulting agent to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift." 



As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now he said." I was impressed .



I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"



"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. The consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."

I asked ,After you get it out, how do you put it back? 

"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use 
the spoon."
 
Top